Judge Not

In our current culture, we constantly evaluate the talent, behavior, and even the charitable activities of those in the public eye. The paparazzi guarantee that we get to see examples of poor judgement, wardrobe malfunctions, trysts, friendships, and my favorite (?), the baby “bumps” of pregnant stars, as well as the progress of post-partum weight loss. I doubt that many stars and public figures are prepared for the degree of scrutiny they receive once they have hit it big. And they are even less prepared when a lack of scrutiny signals that their star has dimmed.

In church a few weeks ago, I leaned over during a musical offering and whispered to my husband, “she’s a little pitchy.” Any of you who have followed American Idol will know that I was quoting one of the favorite terms used by the judges to evaluate the singing contestants. Lenny laughed at my little joke, but I realized that judging could become a bad habit.

Since I’m an Eastsider and not a Seattle-ite, I have never given much thought to Seattle Mayor Greg Nickels. His policies and politics have little or no impact upon my life. However, I was sad to hear of his dad’s passing. From the obituary I could tell that he left a legacy of service to the community. He must have been very proud of his son, the mayor.

But now this. The mayor’s son, Jacob Nickels, has been indicted on serious counts of gaming violations. On top of mourning his father, Greg Nickels and his wife Sharon have to deal with Jacob’s legal problems. They don’t get the luxury of relative privacy that the rest of us would be afforded in this situation. Everything they do must be played out publicly, with all of their actions recorded, their ethics scrutinized, and their hearts torn open.

Lenny and I have gone through legal scrapes with our children. Only select friends and relatives know about these incidents, because I don’t want their mistakes broadcast to the public. I also don’t want to freeze the boys in time with the label of their wrongdoing. People might forever see them as “the boy who ______” (fill in the blank). I don’t want their foolishness to become a reputation, overshadowing anything they might accomplish.

So Lenny and I would like to tell Greg and Sharon Nickels that we understand. The anger, fear, humiliation, and shame, will pass with time. Most people with grown children can relate to these feelings at one time or another. The hard part is silencing the loudest critical voice: your own. You will re-think everything you did. The nagging question “where did we go wrong?” will do you no good with an adult child. It will simply feed despair, rendering you ineffective. Trust me.

There is a proverb that says, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” I call this the Yogi Berra proverb, because Yogi (supposedly) said it this way: “It ain’t over ‘til it’s over.” One of my friends pointed out that parents expect that our children will never stray from our values. But my kids aren’t old yet, and neither is Jacob Nickels. And let’s not forget that he has not been proven guilty.