Unconditional Love?

June is finally here. Last week when it warmed up, I felt like a bear coming out of hibernation, eating the first bounty of the earth, and basking in the warmth of late spring sunshine. The sweet scent of Lily of the Valley was replaced by the mysterious perfume of wisteria, the domestic terrorist of the plant world. If you don’t keep it in check, children could disappear beneath its tendrils. At long last, clusters of white, jasmine-scented blossoms weigh down the brittle branches of the locust tree, helping us forget the long winter of our disrepair. Lenny and I walked outside after dinner, inspecting his precious grapes, and plucking the occasional weed from the vegetable garden.

June is also the time for romance, hopes, and promises. As the poet said, spring is the time when a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of love. There are lots of ads on television for match-up websites. People gush on about finding that one person who can give you “unconditional love.” This has become the buzz phrase of the day. But something about it really bothers me. I think that in romance and relationships, there is no such thing. It seems to me that relationships are completely conditional.

For those of us who are penniless romantics when we marry, we forego the formality of a pre-nuptual agreement, instead opting for promises in the form of vows. In religious terms we call marriage a sacramental covenant. Legally, it’s a contract. Either way, it carries with it a certain expectation of behavior. Each party to the contract or covenant is expected to live up to the promises, to keep their part of the bargain as a matter of integrity. As long as both parties to the agreement live up to their vows, the marriage or covenant is maintained intact.

But too often people violate their vows, and still expect the other person to fulfill theirs. Some become abusive, and yet demand allegiance from their partners. People are unfaithful, and yet expect unconditional forgiveness. Others get tired of the day to day tedium of a long-term relationship, and look for excitement elsewhere.

I met a woman a long time ago who said that she intended to keep her vows even though her husband had left the marriage to pursue other relationships. He had made it clear that he was finished with the marriage, but because of financial entanglements, he still wanted to share their house and business. He saw nothing wrong with bringing lovers home to his part of the house. She didn’t feel angry, she felt guilty, because “God hates divorce.”

“But God doesn’t hate YOU,” I told her. I tried to get her to see that she didn’t break the vows, he did. She wanted to give him unconditional love, and yet it was unhealthy and dangerous for her to do so. I finally got her to see that the promises were irreparably broken, and that she was released.

On one of our walks, I told Lenny what was bugging me about “unconditional love.” We agreed that our love is ultimately accepting, and yet completely conditional, according to our vows of honor, fidelity, and respect. Lenny said, “I think it’s more important to give sacrificial love. Isn’t that how God loves us?” Marriage works best when people honor their vows in spite of anger, disappointment, illness, financial setbacks, boredom, and issues with children and relatives. If each person strives to make the other proud, if each person contributes everything they have to the relationship, if each acknowledges the sacrifices and accomplishments of the other, they will have a successful union. Don’t marry unless you share that kind of commitment.

And don’t stay if you’re the only one committed.